Ok. What kind of genius watches videos on YouTube of guys exploding 2L bottles of Diet Coke and Mentos and then decides to conduct the same experiment within the confines of his own body?
Go to the following link and find out:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mSyL7u-L_dE&mode=related&search=
Buddy, not only are you a complete freaking idiot, but ... you need The Beats!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Take THAT you lazy fuck!
Some people are hard working. Some people are reliable. Some people don't take your money and then fail to do the work they promise to.
"AS" is a person who does NOT fall into the above noted "some people" category.
AS runs a ski shop in the winter. In the summer, he paints, builds decks, does odd jobs and cruises Wasaga beach looking for 15 year olds to share the 3 tins of Heineken he's carrying around in a plastic bag. In short - he's a real class act.
2 months ago, I paid him a reasonable sum of money to do some things around our house. To date - he's done very little.
Although I should clarify that I've been down this road before. He has pulled the "ask for money up front to get the materials" stunt on one previous occasion. And what's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Well this time I've learned my lesson. Buy as much Heinie as you can with that cash buddy and make it last. You'll get no more from me.
AS, you are a beer guzzling, woman oogling, lazy ass .... and you need The Beats!
"AS" is a person who does NOT fall into the above noted "some people" category.
AS runs a ski shop in the winter. In the summer, he paints, builds decks, does odd jobs and cruises Wasaga beach looking for 15 year olds to share the 3 tins of Heineken he's carrying around in a plastic bag. In short - he's a real class act.
2 months ago, I paid him a reasonable sum of money to do some things around our house. To date - he's done very little.
Although I should clarify that I've been down this road before. He has pulled the "ask for money up front to get the materials" stunt on one previous occasion. And what's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Well this time I've learned my lesson. Buy as much Heinie as you can with that cash buddy and make it last. You'll get no more from me.
AS, you are a beer guzzling, woman oogling, lazy ass .... and you need The Beats!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
WANTED: Dead or Alive!
Height: 5'3" (with arms in air and platform shoes on feet)
Weight: Who knows? He's throwing it around all the time.
Hair color: Black - frequently styled in an UN-fashionable bouffant-style "up-do"
Bad Habits: Drinking Hennessy VSOP with his corrupt political allies - that is, when he's not kidnapping film directors and their girlfriends.
Famous quote: "I know I'm an object of criticism in the world, but if I am being talked about, I must be doing the right things".
Wanted for: Holding Asia hostage while he tries to show the rest of the world how big his penis is. In short: for being a Thermonuclear Dickweed.
Kim Jong-Il ... not only are you one ugly fucker, but you need The Beats!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
An embarassment of riches.
Who to choose, who to choose. My mind is bursting with candidates for this blog. I've also received some stellar nominations. However - my choice today has to be Tucker Carlson.
You may remember Tucker as the Libertarian pundit who up until recently co-hosted CNN's Crossfire. It was on Crossfire that he had the now-infamous confrontation with Jon Stewart, which ended with Jon calling him a "dick" (way to go Jon!). Perhaps Tucker's most recognizable feature was the inevitably gaudy bow-tie he would always be wearing. If you aren't either a quacky professor, or attending a black-tie event, you just shouldn't wear a bow-tie. Period.
While the above certainly QUALIFIES Tucker for The Beats, his lock for today's entry was achieved last night when he appeared on Dancing With the Stars.
His new show on MSNBC must be hurting. No "Star" in their right mind would subject themselves to such humiliation if they weren't hoping to gain a few ratings points or a new contract out of the deal. Consider his competition: Joey Lawrence (ex of Blossom), Harry Hamlin (ex of L.A. Law), Mario Lopez (ex of Saved By the Bell) and Jerry Springer (of, well, Jerry Springer). Despite this cast of characters, Tucker FURTHER distinguished himself as being the first one eliminated from the show. His performance was, "... an awful mess" and looked like he was "... sitting on the toilet". I've seen the video. And it really WAS that bad. Way to go Big Fella!
Tucker Carlson ... you need The Beats!
Friday, December 03, 2004
Red Bastards
Ok, so I've never really been a fan of Air Canada. Ask anyone. I bash them any time I have a good reason. And given their track record - that's pretty often.
Their first significant offence was preventing me from attending the wedding of one of my best friends. A strike was ongoing and flights were cancelled. Yet they had the gall to tell you to come to the airport anyhow as you might just be lucky enough to get on one of the few flights that were departing. In reality, you have no hope in hell of getting on anything - they just don't want you to re-book with anyone else.... I waited forever at the check-in counter. They kept telling me I was "at the top of the list" and that I'd surely get called for the next flight. Countless hours later, they confessed that no-one was going anywhere. By now - it was too late for me to get another flight on another airline. Too bad. So sad. My friend got married without me - and many other guests, I might add....
My current frustration lies with they way they administer their points incentive program. I tried to book a simple flight to New York from Toronto. Out and back on the same day. Simple? Not when you are dealing with Air Canada. First, I went to their website to try to log in. Without a "password", I have to call someone to set that all up. The genius on the other end of the phone at first didn't believe that I was who I said I was. See - somehow - my profile lists me as a male - which I'm not. Some manner of convincing later, I get assurance that a password is on its way via email. However, I'm told that if I want to change the gender qualifier on my profile, I need to call someone else at a different number. If I don't, I'm assured that there will be problems if I book flight tickets using my Aeroplan account. I call the other number - not really understanding why the password person can't change my gender - but I digress.... THIS gentleman takes a LOT of convincing that I am who I say I am. Funny - the first words out of my mouth were to the effect of, "I'm calling to have my profile updated. It seems that you guys have me listed as a man, and I am a woman." He asked me my name. I told him. He asked me to repeat my name. I did. He asked me to confirm my first name. I did (but I'm getting really testy). The lightbulb goes on over his head. "But, this account is for a man" (I apparently sound nothing like a man on the phone - which is a good thing). I laughed stiffly and paused to compose myself. "Yes, that's exactly why I'm calling you". I'm not a man. LONG pause. "What is your birthday". I tell him. "What is your phone number". I tell him. "How do you normally accumulate points". Is this a trick question? I tell him. "I'm going to have to put you on hold". Now I appreciate that computers can be slow and even that he may have had to consult with his "supervisor". But 11 minutes to change "M" to "F" on a computer?????? COME ON! With that feat accomplished, I go back to the website and log in, happy to see that I am now "Ms.", not "Mr.". Progress. A few minutes later, flights selected, I wonder, is this too good to be true? I'm in business class on the date I want, at the times I want. This is too easy. I was right. Three screens a window seat and a special meal later, I click on what should be the final button. Instead of a confirmation, I get "Javascript error bla bla bla". I was being told that I hadn't filled in something that I had! I tried again. And again. And again. No luck. I switch browsers. More problems. Endless problems. And my flight time preferences are disappearing fast. So are executive class seats. It's as if there has been a sudden rush on the exact flights that I want! Who is doing this? And why? Is this a coincidence? I think NOT! I have to steel myself for another phone call. After resting on hold for 6 minutes (not bad), I get a rather cheery gentleman on the phone. I give him the dates and times. I'm told that I'll have to settle with my non-preferred times in Economy. He can give no explanation for the vanishing seats. Although, I'm told that "a lot of people book online". What does THAT mean? Anyhow, as he is waiting for his computer to process the transaction, he asks why I'm going for such a short period of time. "I have a Doctor's appt"". Well - if that wasn't an entre to his thesis on the Canadian, no, I stand corrected, the EDUCATED medical community globally, I don't know what was. I heard how modern medicine is KILLING us, and how there are natural methods to save us from all that ails us, warts to cancer. He was kind enough to refer me to two websites as well. One highlighting the "Hallelujah Diet" and one the propaganda site for a Seventh Day Adventist who claims to have cured her own cancer. Oh yeah, she also dedicates significant space to her defence of Ernst Zundel. Man alive. What one has to go through to get a free plane ticket.
So it was a freakin' joke. Robert Milton take note - your airline is a JOKE. Your customer service SUCKS. Your website is full of BUGS and your telephone service people are BRAIN DEAD WIERDOS.
Robert Milton, you need The Beats!
Their first significant offence was preventing me from attending the wedding of one of my best friends. A strike was ongoing and flights were cancelled. Yet they had the gall to tell you to come to the airport anyhow as you might just be lucky enough to get on one of the few flights that were departing. In reality, you have no hope in hell of getting on anything - they just don't want you to re-book with anyone else.... I waited forever at the check-in counter. They kept telling me I was "at the top of the list" and that I'd surely get called for the next flight. Countless hours later, they confessed that no-one was going anywhere. By now - it was too late for me to get another flight on another airline. Too bad. So sad. My friend got married without me - and many other guests, I might add....
My current frustration lies with they way they administer their points incentive program. I tried to book a simple flight to New York from Toronto. Out and back on the same day. Simple? Not when you are dealing with Air Canada. First, I went to their website to try to log in. Without a "password", I have to call someone to set that all up. The genius on the other end of the phone at first didn't believe that I was who I said I was. See - somehow - my profile lists me as a male - which I'm not. Some manner of convincing later, I get assurance that a password is on its way via email. However, I'm told that if I want to change the gender qualifier on my profile, I need to call someone else at a different number. If I don't, I'm assured that there will be problems if I book flight tickets using my Aeroplan account. I call the other number - not really understanding why the password person can't change my gender - but I digress.... THIS gentleman takes a LOT of convincing that I am who I say I am. Funny - the first words out of my mouth were to the effect of, "I'm calling to have my profile updated. It seems that you guys have me listed as a man, and I am a woman." He asked me my name. I told him. He asked me to repeat my name. I did. He asked me to confirm my first name. I did (but I'm getting really testy). The lightbulb goes on over his head. "But, this account is for a man" (I apparently sound nothing like a man on the phone - which is a good thing). I laughed stiffly and paused to compose myself. "Yes, that's exactly why I'm calling you". I'm not a man. LONG pause. "What is your birthday". I tell him. "What is your phone number". I tell him. "How do you normally accumulate points". Is this a trick question? I tell him. "I'm going to have to put you on hold". Now I appreciate that computers can be slow and even that he may have had to consult with his "supervisor". But 11 minutes to change "M" to "F" on a computer?????? COME ON! With that feat accomplished, I go back to the website and log in, happy to see that I am now "Ms.", not "Mr.". Progress. A few minutes later, flights selected, I wonder, is this too good to be true? I'm in business class on the date I want, at the times I want. This is too easy. I was right. Three screens a window seat and a special meal later, I click on what should be the final button. Instead of a confirmation, I get "Javascript error bla bla bla". I was being told that I hadn't filled in something that I had! I tried again. And again. And again. No luck. I switch browsers. More problems. Endless problems. And my flight time preferences are disappearing fast. So are executive class seats. It's as if there has been a sudden rush on the exact flights that I want! Who is doing this? And why? Is this a coincidence? I think NOT! I have to steel myself for another phone call. After resting on hold for 6 minutes (not bad), I get a rather cheery gentleman on the phone. I give him the dates and times. I'm told that I'll have to settle with my non-preferred times in Economy. He can give no explanation for the vanishing seats. Although, I'm told that "a lot of people book online". What does THAT mean? Anyhow, as he is waiting for his computer to process the transaction, he asks why I'm going for such a short period of time. "I have a Doctor's appt"". Well - if that wasn't an entre to his thesis on the Canadian, no, I stand corrected, the EDUCATED medical community globally, I don't know what was. I heard how modern medicine is KILLING us, and how there are natural methods to save us from all that ails us, warts to cancer. He was kind enough to refer me to two websites as well. One highlighting the "Hallelujah Diet" and one the propaganda site for a Seventh Day Adventist who claims to have cured her own cancer. Oh yeah, she also dedicates significant space to her defence of Ernst Zundel. Man alive. What one has to go through to get a free plane ticket.
So it was a freakin' joke. Robert Milton take note - your airline is a JOKE. Your customer service SUCKS. Your website is full of BUGS and your telephone service people are BRAIN DEAD WIERDOS.
Robert Milton, you need The Beats!
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Shaka-laka wha?
Ok, so I"m sitting here in front of my TV as I compose this (still relatively immoble in my post-surgical state). Suffering from repetitive viewing boredom syndrome I have tuned in to the Annual Thanksgiving Day Macy's Parade on NBC. Now, I lived in New York for close to eight years and I love the city. In fact, unlike most of my countrymen (and women, lest I be accused of not being PC, God forbid) I have a soft spot for the entire US of A. So this is most certainly NOT about bashing our southern neighbors. But HELLO? Shaka-laka baby?
Before I lose you completely, I will describe what I see on the screen. The parade began a short half hour ago. At its embarkation point, many "acts" perform a scene or two from various current productions. Most are of the family oriented, relatively cheesy variety, as one would encounter sitting in a 43rd St. theatre after purchasing an "I love NY" travel package, including discount charter flight tickets in the back row of a plane where you got jammed in between Mr. Big Elbows Smelly Farts and Ms. Fidget Fusspot Can I have a blanket.... Can I have a glass of water... No, I said sparkling water (no she didn't), a ground floor room in a Times Square Hotel facing the back, beside the elevator and two tickets to the Latest, Greatest, Most Popular Broadway show since Cats......... Lots of All American smiles, syrupy lyrics and costumes that look like last season's Gap catalog.
Now all this is fine, really, it is. Families all across America are playing variations on the same tune: Dad half-heartedly amusing the kids with the parade on TV while he struggles to decide which football game to watch this afternoon and Mom panicking about how to defrost the turkey she forgot to take out of the freezer last night. The kids are happy as they don't have to go to school. And hey, would you rather they be watching a Jerry Springer re-run? The one where Mary Ann bitch-slaps Jamal for ogling Sheena who is parading around topless with that, "I f**ked your man last night" strut? (as the fight breaks up, Jerry tells the audience that Sheena is Mary Ann's mother.... but that's a whole other story). I digress...
The point is that they really lost me with the production featuring Shaka-laka Baby. Now I'm all for diversity. I want people (especially myopic sheltered midwesterners... was that my outloud voice?) to get exposed to other cultures. I want people to get to know and tolerate foreign traditions. But with Shaka-laka Baby the New York Broadway machine has, in one fell swoop, brought Bollywood to Disney and put Snow White in the leading role! Nowhere were the pangs of the sitar. Gone were sensual dance moves, over-slicked hair and poor subtitles. In their places were Britney-esque dance moves performed to pop-no-tech, perfect hair and make-up, and, dare I say it, costumes that look like they came from the Gap (gasp) in Mumbai. And maybe I could have endured all of that (being the open-minded, non-judgemental person that I am) if they hadn't opened their mouths and uttered that phrase (over and over and over again). Today will be one of those tortured days spent trying something, anything to get that melody out of my head. Shaka-laka Baby. Damn it.
As I look to the current highlighted act I see Ryan Cabrerra performing his Latest Greatest Hit from his perch on the Lego Float. I've had enough. But before I go, I must say:
Macy's, with your Shaka-laka singing, smily-faced, Gap-wearing, All American, Ronald McDonald love-fest, you need The Beats!
Before I lose you completely, I will describe what I see on the screen. The parade began a short half hour ago. At its embarkation point, many "acts" perform a scene or two from various current productions. Most are of the family oriented, relatively cheesy variety, as one would encounter sitting in a 43rd St. theatre after purchasing an "I love NY" travel package, including discount charter flight tickets in the back row of a plane where you got jammed in between Mr. Big Elbows Smelly Farts and Ms. Fidget Fusspot Can I have a blanket.... Can I have a glass of water... No, I said sparkling water (no she didn't), a ground floor room in a Times Square Hotel facing the back, beside the elevator and two tickets to the Latest, Greatest, Most Popular Broadway show since Cats......... Lots of All American smiles, syrupy lyrics and costumes that look like last season's Gap catalog.
Now all this is fine, really, it is. Families all across America are playing variations on the same tune: Dad half-heartedly amusing the kids with the parade on TV while he struggles to decide which football game to watch this afternoon and Mom panicking about how to defrost the turkey she forgot to take out of the freezer last night. The kids are happy as they don't have to go to school. And hey, would you rather they be watching a Jerry Springer re-run? The one where Mary Ann bitch-slaps Jamal for ogling Sheena who is parading around topless with that, "I f**ked your man last night" strut? (as the fight breaks up, Jerry tells the audience that Sheena is Mary Ann's mother.... but that's a whole other story). I digress...
The point is that they really lost me with the production featuring Shaka-laka Baby. Now I'm all for diversity. I want people (especially myopic sheltered midwesterners... was that my outloud voice?) to get exposed to other cultures. I want people to get to know and tolerate foreign traditions. But with Shaka-laka Baby the New York Broadway machine has, in one fell swoop, brought Bollywood to Disney and put Snow White in the leading role! Nowhere were the pangs of the sitar. Gone were sensual dance moves, over-slicked hair and poor subtitles. In their places were Britney-esque dance moves performed to pop-no-tech, perfect hair and make-up, and, dare I say it, costumes that look like they came from the Gap (gasp) in Mumbai. And maybe I could have endured all of that (being the open-minded, non-judgemental person that I am) if they hadn't opened their mouths and uttered that phrase (over and over and over again). Today will be one of those tortured days spent trying something, anything to get that melody out of my head. Shaka-laka Baby. Damn it.
As I look to the current highlighted act I see Ryan Cabrerra performing his Latest Greatest Hit from his perch on the Lego Float. I've had enough. But before I go, I must say:
Macy's, with your Shaka-laka singing, smily-faced, Gap-wearing, All American, Ronald McDonald love-fest, you need The Beats!
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